Why Can't I See What He Does?
Chapter 15
I woke up the next morning to see Kevin sitting across the room reading a magazine. “Good morning,” I managed to squeak out. Kevin looked up with a smile on his face, walked over to my bed and kissed my forehead, “Good Morning.”
“What are you reading?” I noticed that he brought the magazine over with him. He sat down on my bed next to me, and held up the magazine. I saw on the cover a picture of him and his brothers, “Just trying to catch up on the latest rumors about me and my brothers,” he laughed. I smiled at him, “I’m sure that’s always fun,” I told him sarcastically. He laughed, “Yeah, it’s amazing with what they come up with sometimes.”
Awkward Silence…
“Alana,” Kevin started as he put the magazine to the side, “Can we talk?” Kevin asked seriously. “We are talking, Kevin,” I told him.
“No, I mean…Can we talk about last night?”
“Oh…” I shrugged.
Kevin leaned back in the bed and took me into his arms. “Alana, I won’t ever mistreat you, I promise you that,” I nodded. “I believe you, Kevin. You not like anyone I’ve ever met,” He smiled. “Good.”
“Now I was wondering if I could ask you something,” Kevin said softly. I waited for him to continue.
“Well last night…you told me your last boyfriend…did something to you…well…” I could see he was struggling on how to ask it, so I figured I would just do it for him.
“You want to know what he did…” I said. Kevin nodded. “If that is ok with you,” he made sure to add on at the end. I took a deep breath.
“Kevin, I’ll tell you under one condition,” I warned. “Anything,” he said. “Please don’t judge me. I don’t want you to think less of me, but I don’t want to lie about my past either,” I told him sincerely.
He gently stroked my arm, “’Lana, there is no need to lie to me. I could never think less of you. We all have pasts, but I’ll love you no matter what,” and that was all I needed to hear.
I took another deep breath. I’ve never willingly told anyone this before, not Cindy, not Sam, not Sherry, and not even Carolyn.
“Kevin…my last boyfriend use to…abuse me,” I finished in a whisper. I was looking down when I finished the sentence, but took a peek up at Kevin to see his reaction. I noticed that his face was at first shock, then sympathy, then anger.
“What did he do to you?” Kevin whispered. I shook my head and tried to hold back tears. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to tell him all the names that that asshole called me. I didn’t want to tell him how that jerk use to hit me just because he felt like it, and most of all, I didn’t want to tell Kevin how emotionally unstapled the whole situation had made me.
I was snapped back into reality by Kevin softly running his fingers thru my hair. “It’s ok, Alana. You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready,” he told me with his soothing voice.
“No,” I said confidently, “No, I have to tell you. I have to tell someone. I’ve been holding this in way too long…I started dating this guy named Cameron when I was in high school. A couple of months into our relationship he started calling me names. Then after the names came the yelling, the yelling progressed to pushing, the pushing became hitting…” my voice became shaky as I spoke. Tears slowly slid down my cheek, but I was determined to tell Kevin my past.
“The only person who knows about this is my older brother, Tim. One day before I had put on makeup to cover anything up, my brother walked into my room and saw the bruising. He forced me to tell him what had happened. I even tried to lie, but he saw right through it…You see, Tim…well…he’s a cop, and when he found out about Cameron he had him arrested,” I stopped to look up at Kevin to see if he was following along. He just nodded for me to keep going.
“After Cameron though, I had a lot of scars…not just physically, but emotionally too. I became very depressed and self loathing…I even…uh…” I didn’t want to tell him. I’m too cowardly to tell him. He’s gonna think I’m a freak…
“Go on, Alana,” Kevin whispered as he rubbed my back.
“I use to…harm myself…” I whispered. I could hear Kevin inhale.
“But…Alana, you’re so…nice and happy around here. I don’t understand. You don’t seem to be the kind of person who would do such a thing,” Kevin said in shock.
“I know, but I’m fine now. I have been since I graduated high school. Back then though, I was just so unhappy all of the time, and that was the only thing that seemed to numb the pain,” I told him quietly as I pulled up the covers and showed him the faint scars on my arms.
He slowly and lightly ran his fingers over them, like he had to touch them to believe they were there. Then he slowly brought my arms up to his lips and softly kissed my long healed scars one-by-one.
I now let the tears flow freely as Kevin pulled me into his chest. I loved it when he did that. I always felt so safe there, like nothing bad would ever happen to me as long as I were there. “Never again,” Kevin whispered to me. I looked up at him, “What?”
“Promise me, never again will you harm such a beautiful, loving, kind, gentle person such as yourself,” he looked me in the eyes as he spoke.
“I promise,” I told him sincerely. It seemed as soon as I said those words, someone burst into my room.
“Nick’s getting released tomorrow!”
