Why Can't I See What He Does?
Chapter 18
I laid in bed for the rest of the day after Kevin had left my room. I couldn’t do anything but cry; I couldn’t sleep, eat, read, or listen to my iPod that Nick had returned a couple days ago. Everything reminded me of Kevin. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was his face, every magazine I picked up had pictures of him and his brothers, and every song on my iPod just reminded me of him.
It wasn’t long until I heard a knock at my door. My breath got stuck in my throat; I only wanted it to be Kevin so I could apologize for the way I acted. I felt horrible for hitting him, but I panicked and I was just so angry at him.
The door slowly opened as I held my breath. The first thing I saw was blonde hair as I let out a disappointed sigh as Cindy entered the room. She slowly walked over to my bed and saw my bloodshot eyes. She gently ran her hand down my hair.
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” she whispered. That explains the way she was talking to me earlier before Kevin had come back…she knew he was leaving me. If I wouldn’t have been so exhausted from crying I would have been furious at her.
“You knew,” was all I could manage to get out. I glanced up at her, trying to fight the wave of new tears I could feel coming on.
“Alana, I’m sorry but it wasn’t my place to tell you,” she said as she sat down next to me. I scooted away.
“You could have given me a warning or something!” I said, finding my voice finally.
“I tried to give you hints, but at the time Kevin didn’t even know he was leaving yet. He didn’t know until he had left your room this morning to go see Nick,” Cindy tried to explain. I only scoffed at her.
“Alana, don’t be like this; you are a better person than this,” her words cut me like a knife. The tears started rolling down my cheeks freely now as I realized she was right. It wasn’t Kevin’s choice to leave me, and I acted so cruel towards him.
“Shh honey, don’t cry; I’m sure you’ve done enough already,” Cindy comforted me again as she patted my back. I leaned over into her shoulder and sobbed quietly.
“He promised me he wouldn’t leave me though; he promised he was different,” I whispered to my motherly friend.
“Sweetie you need to realize that he’s not breaking his promises. He isn’t leaving you the way you’re thinking about it. He might be leaving physically, but honey, he loves you…he is different…I can see it in the way you two look at each other,” she stated as she pulled back and placed a strand of hair behind my ear, “and when someone loves another as much as that boy loves you; he would always come back for you,” she finished as she tried to wipe my tears away.
I knew Cindy was trying to comfort me, but she only made me cry more. Even if Kevin loved me that much…he wouldn’t now; not after I hit him.
“Cindy,” I whimpered, “I smacked him,” I barely could whisper out. I looked down at my hands wanting to avoid her gaze.
“Alana, why would you do such a thing?” I could hear the disappointment in her voice.
“I don’t really remember what all happened, I just remember he ended up grabbing one of my wrists, and I freaked…I panicked and I smacked him,” the sobs started coming again. She pulled me back into her embrace.
“Honey, just explain to him what happened and how you were feeling at the time. I’m sure he would understand. I’m sure it was a very emotional event for the two of you. You just need to talk to him,” she said while still rubbing my back. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down.
“What if he doesn’t forgive me?” I whimpered. She gave me a sad smile and softly shook her head.
“Well then at least you know you tried,” I forced out a laugh as I wiped my cheeks. What I loved most about Cindy is she didn’t lie…even if it’s what you wanted to hear. She told it like it was.
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I could take the rejection,” I told her hesitantly.
“Alana,” she said softly as she took one of my hands, “back when I was your age…I had a chance at love, and I threw it away for my career. Don’t get me wrong; I love this job, but every night when the job is done and I go home to my life outside this job, I go home to an empty house. I don’t have a husband, I don’t have children; sure I have my job and friends, but every night…my bed is empty,” she paused as if to fight back tears of her own, “not a day goes by that I don’t think about what would have been…if I would have just tried harder. I don’t want that to be you, Alana,” she gently touched my cheek as a single tear of her own fell.
I reached over and gave my friend a hug. She returned the hug and took a deep breath as we pulled apart. She stood up from off my bed and headed for the door.
“You know, you’re allowed to get out of your bed now, since tomorrow you’ll be discharged from here. I suggest you go for a walk around the hospital; stretch your legs; maybe take a trip down to room 205,” she winked as she walked out the door.
I took a deep breath as I debated in my mind over what I should do to fix my situation.
